Wednesday, August 6, 2014

~ I Am A ...

... Widow.
It sucks.
It hurts.  A lot.
Being a widow makes me sad.
It makes me lonely.
It makes me angry.
It makes me cry.   A lot.
I am scared.
I am grieving.
I am crying.
I am a widow.
And it sucks.
Everything seems muted.
There is very little color in my life right now.
No happiness.
Just sorrow.
No smiles.
Just tears.
And it sucks.
July 12, 2014.
A day I will never forget.
It is circled on the calendar.
It has been 25 days.
600 hours.
36,000 minutes.
And it sucks.
It sucks.  A lot.
Yet I cannot flip the calendar page to August.
It sits on my wall as July.
Occasionally I walk by and pound the date with my fist.
I scream at it.
I swear at it.
I hate it.
I hate it with all of my being.
Yet I cannot flip the calendar page to August.
I am a widow.
And it sucks.


  1. Diane, my heart breaks for you.
    I cannot begin to imagine how much this hurts, and how lost you must feel.
    May all of your wonderful memories help you get through this difficult time.

  2. Oh I am so so sorry I wish there were words that I could say that will ease your pain but I have none. All I can do is send hugs. This is beautifully written Oh I wish I could find the right words. Hugs hugs B

  3. Diane, Writing/talking/sharing. Thank you for posting. Many hugs.

  4. I think of you often.
    I wish there was something I could say.
    Please take care..

  5. I never wanted to hear . . . I know how you feel . . . because NO ONE knew what it felt like.
    Only I could say . . . this is what I feel . . .
    Yet, as I read your words . . . feel your sorrow . . . I remember, I know, I felt, I screamed, I cried . . .
    I ache for you . . . I wish I could take away the pain . . .
    I wrote what I felt on paper . . .
    I care . . . please write to me if you want to . . .

  6. thinking about ya. take care. big big big big hugs.

  7. D-I'm always here-a phone call or a text away. This is so poignant and strong- {{hugs thru the universe}} as always

  8. I know your grief and anger, and I remember long-time widows saying that you will be able to go on... and one does, eventually, but not now when it is so raw and painful. I'm sending you a virtual big hug.
    I appreciate your visit at my blog. Take care of yourself.

  9. Hoping that your grief will release it's hold on you, I only send you warm wishes for as long as you need them. Please don't hate the day, July 12th as it was my daughter's birthday forty four years ago. If I can be of any help, please "talk" to me. Reach out f you haven't already done so for grief counseling. Think about the present and your future and how he would feel about you persevering! He would want you too!...:)JP

  10. I am so sorry Diane you are having to feel such loss, pain and sadness. Time does not have away of making these horrible feelings you are having go away but time will help to change these feelings so you can continue on with your life. It just takes time to live again after something like this. Hopefully with you allowing yourself to feel everything as hard as that is right now it will help you to move through the days ahead. My thoughts are with you.
    I am so sorry for your loss.

  11. I am so heart broken for you and I wish I could ease your pain, your loneliness, your anger - I wish there was something that make any of this less - but there isn't and that too sucks. I am heart broken for you and hoping you can find some peace in your life soon. {{hugs}} and my thoughts and prayers.

  12. I can only imagine the pain that you are going through. My prayers go out for you! My father passed away when I was only 9 months old leaving my mom with 8 children. The oldest was 17. My mom was a widow until I was 8. She's passed now, but I am still amazed at her strength. Lean on the Lord through this hard time and he will help you through. I promise the sun will shine in your life again!! I have a friend whose husband passed a couple years ago and she too could not turn the calendar for a long time. Thanks for the sweet comment about my quilt!

  13. It's the worst thing that's every happened to me and I've had some terrible things happen to me. I know what it's like for your best friend to go ahead; it sucks. No, it's actually worse than that. C. S. Lewis said, "Your absence is the sky and it overwhelms everything." That's how I feel. There's been, maybe, 20 minutes that I've forgotten...maybe. Most of the time, Dave's death looms over my head like the sky, threatening to press down on me so heavily that I cannot breath. The entire time he was sick, when he died and since, breath has been "my word". I still forget to breath and find myself sucking air like my life depends upon it (well, duh!). I am so very sorry; if you want to talk, send me an e-mail. I'm available during daylight hours...this is the latest I've not gone to bed in a while. I farm and my days are heavy with physical activity. Hard work but I sleep well at night, usually. People told me, you'll get over it and that's pretty stupid. Just because their marriage sucked doesn't mean mine did. My marriage was strong, steady, kind and full of those things that make love grow deeper. Part of me is gone and I don't know if I'll ever fully recover, most days I just hope and pray to get better.
    Diane, I am so very sorry.

  14. I don't have any words other than to say how sorry I am for your loss and pain. I do have big hugs to send to you and prayers that will be said for you.
    Thank you so much for visiting my blog and leaving a sweet comment.

    1. And I meant to answer your question about WallyWorld. It is something we call Wal-Mart. :)

  15. I am so very sorry. I just can't imagine. Saying prayers for healing.

  16. I thought of you the other day and wondered how you were doing. I know it has to be hard and while I've not experience the pain and loss you are going through from losing your spouse I do understand the loss of a loved one and how much it hurts. Again I send prayers for your emotional healing and a spirit of peace as you traverse this pathway in your life. Hugs from me to you.

  17. Oh Diane, just reading this post and the previous ones ...
    I don't know what to say ... I'm so sorry ...
    Thinking of you,

  18. Diane, I can't imagine the grief that has consumed you. I am so so sorry for the all too quick, far too early loss that you are experiencing. Such a heartbreak. Stay strong my sweet. I am praying that your pain will subside a little and that you will find new ways to rebuild your life. Life continuous to be a mystery to me as to the whys. Blessings to you.

  19. I am so very sorry for your loss! My prayers are with you. May God comfort you!

  20. I saw your comment on Thistle Cove Farm, and just came by to offer my condolences on your tremendous loss.
    Grief is sometimes like a massive stone on one's chest, I think. Hard to breathe, hard to think, hard to move.
    I hope you will have an easing of grief, if only for moments at a time.

  21. Lifting you up in prayer. Having lost my parents, I know the pain and emptiness you feel. I know that losing a spouse is even more tramatic and the pain is that much deeper. You are right, it sucks! Keep letting your anger out, keep letting go of your grief, keep knowing that we here in "blog land" are lifting you up and thinking/praying of you always.

  22. Just getting back to checking others' blogs (my year of fighting/recovering from leukemia). I am so sorry to hear you have lost your love. You express yourself so poignantly in your poetry. Keep it up; it will help you heal. Thinking of you.


Thanks for stopping by! Leave a comment .... let's chat!