Monday, November 28, 2016

~ Thankful ...


.... that I made it through a recent storm in my life.
Having been pretty dang healthy all of my life I rarely thought of anything
major (health wise) happening to me.
But lo and behold.....
on the evening of November 4th at around 7 p.m.
I experienced a TIA.
A TIA is a Transient Ischemic Attack. 
It happens when blood flow to part of the brain is either blocked or reduced,
often by a blood clot.
After a short time, blood flows again and the symptoms go away
unlike a stroke where the blood flow stays blocked and the brain
has permanent damage. 
But a TIA is a definite warning.
It means that I am likely to have a stroke in the future.
I read that after a TIA up to 10 out of 100 will have a stroke within 2 days.
17 out of 100 will have a stroke within 90 days.
I feel like I am walking on pins and needles.
I feel like I'm in a blurred world.
My right arm felt like it had been chopped off. 
It lay limp by my side.
At the same time it felt as if someone shined
a spotlight in my face.
I was in a panic.
I was in the hospital from Friday night to Monday night.
Went through all kinds of tests.
CT Scan.....clear
Carotid Arteries......clear
Echo cardiogram......clear
Echo Transesophageal Procedure.....clear
MRI.....showed that an embolic event took place
 
Blood pressure at one point in the hospital reached 187/110
So, I'm on a new cholesterol medication and a bp medication.

I've always watched my diet but I am being really cautious now.
 
I had to wear a monitor for 2 weeks.
Possible Atrial Fibrillation could have played a part in having the TIA.
Results won't come in for a few more weeks.

Funny thing is....I'm turning 65 in December.
So, is this what happens when you turn 65?
You start to fall apart?
I gotta laugh at myself about that!

 Anyway, I'm hoping that it's nothing but blue skies from this point.
 
The only remnants of the TIA is some minor weakness in my right hand/arm occasionally.
And of course the thought of having another TIA or a stroke
is constantly on my mind.
So now, when I wake up in the morning, the first things on my mind are:
1.  Tom isn't here
2.  I had a TIA

I have to change that.
I'm so very thankful that I did not have a full blown stroke.
It was a wake-up call.
A tap on the shoulder.
A slap upside the head.

I think I'm on the right track.
 
I think someone special was watching over me.

 

Sunday, October 30, 2016

~ Trick or Treat ....

.... raise your hand if you remember the excitement of shouting those 3 little words?
Yes, Halloween!
That special night.
Fright night.
Candy night.
Rushing through supper so you could get out early and stay out late.
Sometimes you were lucky and didn't need to wear your winter coats
underneath your costume.
Running through the neighborhoods
and collecting pillowcases full of sweets.
Good times!
I love the colors of Halloween.
Orange.
Black.
Browns.
I love the decorations of Halloween.
Ghosts.
Goblins.
Skeletons.
Pumpkins.

I wish you could smell this pumpkin tart.
It smells delicious!
 
Tom bought me this trio of ghosts one year.
I treasure it.
It makes me smile.
 
And those little ghosts are sticking out their tongues!
 
While growing up I noticed that my mother loved "the unknown".
She enjoyed books about dream interpretation.
She enjoyed fortune telling.
In fact, these cards belonged to her.
 
True story.....
When I was about 16
I went to a fortune teller at the beach.
She told me that I would marry at a reasonably young age.
She told me how many children I would have.
She said my true love would have dark hair
and dark eyes.
She said we would fall in love, break up for a short time
but would get back together and marry.
At the time I believed to be in "love" with a neighborhood boy.
He had blondish hair and blue eyes.
"What the heck does she know!" I squawked. 
 Less than two years later
Tom walked into my life.
He had dark hair and dark eyes.
We fell in love....broke up for 3 months
but realized we were meant to be.
We married when he just turned 20 and I turned 19.
**sigh**
 
Mom also loved the Ouija Board.
To my older sisters horror, Mom came home with "the board" one day.
My sisters were afraid to touch it.
My younger brother and I were eager to put it to use.
Mom would watch, all the time claiming "it's not real"
but the look on her face made it quite clear that she wasn't sure.
My brother and I quickly realized that we controlled the board.
Needless to say, we used this "power" to our advantage.
Mom didn't want to take any chances.
 
And with that
I wish you all a Happy Halloween!
Oh, before I go....
Mr. Bones wanted to say "hello"
He's been rattling around the house for weeks
just waiting for me to ask him to pose.
 
Trick Or Treat
Smell My Feet
Give Me Something Good To Eat
 


Saturday, October 15, 2016

~ Roots .....

 
 
Root (noun)
1. the part of a plant that attaches it to the ground
or
2.  the basic cause, source or origin of something
 
Root (verb)
1.  to establish deeply & firmly
 
For the last two years I've felt uprooted.
No sense of belonging anywhere or to anyone.
With Tom's death came upheaval.
My whole world was uprooted.
My life changed forever.
Tom was my home....my sanctuary....my safety.
So his death has caused me to feel homeless in a sense.
 
Some of you know that I moved back to New Hampshire. 
Back to the city where I was born and raised.
I was hoping to immediately be able to just plant myself here.
It's not happening.
I do not feel established deeply and firmly.

I still feel homeless without Tom.
 

Every day is a struggle (still).
But like this bulb I am pushing my way through the struggles
with the help of family and friends.
 
 
Some days are better than others.
Other days are better than some.
But there's not one single day that I don't think about him.
Or talk to him.
Or wish he were here to plant our roots down together.
 
 
I thought long and hard about blogging again.
I think it will help me.
Similar to this growing bulb.......
reaching out and up......
I need to find myself again and grow.
 
So, I'm back.
My camera keeps me focused (no pun intended).
In fact, when I pick up my camera I can almost hear Tom
cheering me on.
 

I'm also finally getting my craft room in order
so I'll be back to crafting
and hopefully be having some giveaways.

Yes, it's been a long, hard and lonely two years.
And I'm sure it will continue to be.
And I will never get over the loss of Tom.
But he would want me to get my feet planted firmly on the ground,
reach out and grow.
 
And I don't want to disappoint him.
 
Tom, I love you.
 
 
 
 




Sunday, February 15, 2015

~ Be My ....

....Valentine.
Tom and I never went overboard on this Hallmark holiday ....
but I found myself exceptionally sad yesterday.
 
I love candles.  Any kind of candles.
Pillar, taper, floating, votive, tea light ....
I love them.
So I treated myself to some candles yesterday.
 
They're unscented but they are ...
drip candles!!! 
Yup, drip candles.
Love that!
 
I also won the giveaway at Wayside Treasures and I received
the goods on Friday ... just in time for Valentine's Day.
The box was filled with goodies!
Here's what it looked like when I pried it open ...
How sweet is that?
 
...... and then .....
 
I almost didn't want to tear these little packages apart ....
(but just for a nano second) ....
then I tore them apart
and found ...
 
What wonderful treasures to brighten up my Valentine's Day.
 
Dove chocolates .... dark, thank you very much.
 
and
the cutest little felt hearts
 
 
and then a mug wearing the cutest sweater accompanied with some tea
and a loose leaf tea infuser ...
 
 
How lucky was I!!!
 
It's almost as if Tom didn't want me to be without a little something
on my first Valentine's Day alone.
 
Tom,
I will always
Remember
your love ....
 
Please take a moment to visit Sandi at Wayside Treasures
 


Friday, February 6, 2015

~ Happy Birthday ...

... today is Tom's birthday.
I miss him.
I bought a cupcake for him.
I lit the candle.
I sang "Happy Birthday".
And then I cried.
Happy Birthday Tom.
I love you.
 
The other day we had another snowstorm.
I've lost count on how many storms we have had.
I made myself a cup of coffee and was heading towards the window
to watch it snow.
I thought I saw a red leaf in the tree right outside my window.
As I got closer, I realized it wasn't a leaf at all ....
... it was a cardinal.
I was thrilled to have spotted it.
I ran to grab my camera and prayed that he would still be there when I returned.
He was.
He had his back to me and I began talking to him ....
"turn around .... let me see your face."
He turned his head slightly ... as if he actually heard me.
I continued speaking to him ...
asking him to let me see his face.
I was so afraid he'd fly off without letting me see his face.
And then ...
... he turned around.
I was thrilled!
And then I stepped back ...
... I got a funny feeling that I can't explain.
I put my camera down and just watched him
until he flew off.
They say that seeing a cardinal is a sign from
a loved one who has died
letting you know that they are in the afterlife.
 
That funny feeling I got ....
... a sign?
 
You tell me.
 
 

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

~ Snowflakes ....

.... he sent me snowflakes.
An infinite amount of snowflakes.
All for my viewing pleasure.
Because I told him that when we moved up to New Hampshire
I wanted at least one huge snow storm
so that I could just sit back and enjoy watching it snow.
And so I did.  Watch it snow.
We got one heck of a storm ... 16 inches of this stuff was delivered to us.
That's good considering they originally predicted we'd get over 2 feet.
The wind was blowing so hard at times
that the snowflakes looked like they were twirling around
like little ballerinas. 
The snowflakes even tried to come inside via the balcony....
Lucky for me I have storm windows over the screens.
As much as I find snow to be an annoyance,
I do have to say that it looks lovely.
 
Oh, yes......just lovely.
Unless you don't have access to a garage and have to park outside.
Not me.
I park in a heated garage, thank you very much.
 
I think I'll go out tomorrow and explore the neighborhood.
 
 
Tom,
Remember
when I'd go out and use the snow blower after a storm.
You'd be so nervous, afraid that I would get hurt so
you  "secretly" watched me from the bedroom window.
You didn't think I noticed.
I did.
Then you'd come to the front door and give me the "thumbs up"
for doing such a good job.
I love you for that.
For watching out for me.
Thanks for the snowflakes today.
All my love.
 


Tuesday, January 20, 2015

~ Remember ....

.... Forever
 
I thought long and hard about whether or not to even choose a word for 2015.
After all, my word for 2014 was "Challenge"
and indeed I was presented with one of the biggest challenges I could ever expect.
After giving it some thought
I decided that my word for 2015
would be "Remember".
 
To solidify the fact that I had chosen that word
I headed over to Litva's Jewelry
and purchased a couple of her beautiful rings.
 
When the box arrived I was hesitant to open it.
I'm not quite sure why but I was actually afraid to open it.
Maybe because it would be a solid reminder that Tom is dead
and this would almost be.....in my mind.....equivalent to wearing his
tombstone on my finger.
I walked around the box.
I gently pushed it.  I picked it up.
I opened it.
 
I cried.....and cried.....and cried.
 

 
Remember...
to grieve....for as long as it takes.
This is a journey I wasn't ready for.
Every day is a challenge.
I grieve deeply....painfully.
 
 Remember...
to celebrate....his life.  Our life.
I was lucky enough to have him for 44 years.
He is etched in my heart....my soul.
That will never be taken from me.
 
Remember...
to cry. 
Softly....loudly...,
I cry myself to sleep EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT.
Sometimes softly.  Sometimes loudly.
 
Remember...
to smile.
I am beginning to be able to smile when I think about Tom.
When I say his name.
When I look at his picture.
 
Remember...
to take deep breaths.
 
Remember...
to exhale.
 
Remember...
his love.  His sweet, sweet love.
I will never again be loved the way that he loved me
nor will I ever again love someone  the way that I loved him.
Tom and I were a "once in a lifetime". 
And I'm perfectly okay with that.
 
I will ...
 
Remember
 
Tom
 
Forever