Friday, December 12, 2014

~ Do You Believe ....

.... in signs?
Signs from our loved ones who have died?
 
I want to believe.
Since Tom died I keep searching for signs from him.
I keep praying to sense his presence.
There are no signs.
I do not feel his presence.
I think there are coincidences.
 
This week I had a few "coincidences".
 
Coincidence #1
Wednesday
Got up.  Poured myself a cup of coffee.
Walked over to the window and looked out.
There was a moving van.
It was "Tom's Moving Company".
For a second I thought "is Tom moving in or is he telling me
that it's okay to move out?"
 
Coincidence #2
Wednesday
Ran some errands. 
Pulled up into a parking spot.
The car in the spot in front of me had the license plate
"JACK-"
Tom called me "Jack".
 
Coincidence #3
Friday
On Thursday night I could not sleep.
I cried all night.   I thought about him all night.
I talked to him all night.
Why wasn't he with me?   Why couldn't I feel his presence?
As I crawled out of bed in the morning
I walked over to the bedroom window and looked out at the brook below
as I always do.
But today I noticed something.
Take a look.
Do you see it?
I saw it immediately.
Look closer.

Can you see the heart shaped rock?
The light snowfall overnight must have covered it to look that way.
A sign? 
A coincidence?
I don't know.  I want to believe.
 
It has been 5 months.
22 weeks.
154 days.
3,672 hours.
220,320 minutes.
13,219,200 seconds.
 
Of loneliness.
Of helplessness.
Of sorrow.
Of anger.
Of fear.
Of wanting to believe he is giving me signs.
Of wanting to feel his presence.
 
 

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

~ It Is Now ...

4 months
123 days
17 weeks
2,952 hours
177,120 minutes
10,627,200 seconds
since Tom died.
 
I still visit your blogs.
 I just haven't had the energy to post lately.
 
I am struggling to get back control of my life.
I am still consumed with grief.
Every.Single.Day.
Some days are worse than the next.
I just never know when the grief will be mild
or when it will explode from within me.
I am a walking grief bomb.
I am a whirlwind of emotions.
 
Sometimes I regret having moved from our home of 30 years.
I'm still not feeling his presence here with me in the condo.
 
I hear that "time will heal" ....
I just don't know when that time will come.
 
For now I will grieve.
Every.Single.Day.
 
 
 
 
 
 


Thursday, August 14, 2014

~ It Has Been ....

... a little over a month.
33 days to be exact.
792 hours,
47,520 minutes,
2,851,200 seconds
of excruciating pain.
Of devastating loneliness.
Of feeling lost in a fog of disbelief.
I can go for hours at a time without crying.
That's if I keep myself so busy that I don't have time to think.
About anything.
And then .... wham .... out of nowhere something just knocks the wind right out of me.
And I cry uncontrollably.
I cry from so deep within that my body shakes with each tear.
 
Lately, these are some of the things that make me cry.
Places he sat on .... in .... by .... during his last weeks.
 
His walker sits by the bed ... waiting for him to get up and attempt to get around.
I see it there and it makes me cry.
He fought so hard to not get to this point ...
but he accepted it like a gentleman when he realized it was a necessity. 
And that makes me cry. 
 
His office chair ... waiting for him to start his work day.
I walk past this room and step back and look in.
They came and took his office computer away.....another piece of him gone.
Sometimes at night when I can't sleep
I get up and sit in this chair in the dark
and I cry.
 
His chair at the table.
Waiting for him to arrive for a feast.
The last few weeks ... especially days ...
he wasn't doing very much eating.
But he'd sit there and watch and wait for me to eat.
And he'd tell me how good it looked.
How good it smelled.
But he just wasn't hungry.
And that makes me cry.
 
The chair in the sunroom.
It's funny how we hadn't used that room much in the last few years.
But in the last few weeks of his life
we used this room every.single.day!!!
We'd get up and he'd sit there and read the paper.
Drink his Orange/Pineapple Juice.
Take his multitude of pills.
We'd talk about the condo and what was being done to it.
We'd talk about colors and furniture and countertops and tile.
I'd watch him fall asleep on this chair in the middle of conversations.
In the middle of phone conversations.
In the middle of texting someone.
Sleep was absorbing him more and more.
And then he couldn't come downstairs anymore to sit in this room with me.
And that makes me cry.
 
When I thought that he would be coming with me to New Hampshire and the condo
we couldn't wait to leave this house and get up there.
Now that he is gone
I am finding it very difficult to wrap my head around leaving here.
I am so dang emotional about leaving here.
He's everywhere.
Sometimes I swear I can smell him.
He's here.
Will I be abandoning him when I leave?
Will he know to come with me?
And that makes me cry.
 
My Throw Back Thursday shot:
Tom,
I love you.
I will love you until I die.
And if there is life after that,
I will love you then.
 


Wednesday, August 6, 2014

~ I Am A ...

... Widow.
It sucks.
It hurts.  A lot.
Being a widow makes me sad.
It makes me lonely.
It makes me angry.
It makes me cry.   A lot.
I am scared.
I am grieving.
I am crying.
I am a widow.
And it sucks.
Everything seems muted.
There is very little color in my life right now.
No happiness.
Just sorrow.
No smiles.
Just tears.
And it sucks.
July 12, 2014.
A day I will never forget.
It is circled on the calendar.
It has been 25 days.
600 hours.
36,000 minutes.
And it sucks.
It sucks.  A lot.
Yet I cannot flip the calendar page to August.
It sits on my wall as July.
Occasionally I walk by and pound the date with my fist.
I scream at it.
I swear at it.
I hate it.
I hate it with all of my being.
Yet I cannot flip the calendar page to August.
 
I am a widow.
And it sucks.
 
 

Saturday, July 12, 2014

~Today ....

... at 5:20 PM
I lost my best friend.
My partner in crime.
The love of my life.
My heart.
My soul.
My existence.
 
I will never gaze into this sweet man's eyes again.
I will never see his contagious smile.
I will never hear his deep wonderful voice.
I will never hear him call me "Chick-a-dee" or "Jack" again.
 
His health had been declining so quickly the last couple of months.
We were hoping for a second boost of energy,
enough to get him to New Hampshire and in the condo.
He fought a hard fight all the way to the end.
I finally told him it was okay to "let go". 
And he did so in my arms as I stroked his face and his hair.
 
It's interesting because a few weeks before this
I had a specific song in my head every single night before we'd fall asleep.
I'd sing it to him in my head as I listened to him breathe
and fall asleep.
 
 
"I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Where every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure
 
I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby and I don't wanna miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
I'd still miss you baby and I don't want to miss a thing.
 
Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together
I just wanna stay with you in this moment forever.
 
I don't wanna close my eyes.
I don't wanna fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby and I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
I'd still miss you baby
and I don't want to miss a thing
 
I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
I just wanna be with you
right here
with you
just like this.
 

Tom, I don't know how I will manage through the rest of my life without you.
You will always be in my heart and on my mind.
 
Please visit me in my dreams.
I want to see your face every night.
 
 

Thursday, July 10, 2014

~ Dear ...

.... life.
WTF?
You are pissing me off with everything that you are throwing at Tom.
 
Tom isn't doing very well.
He was doing "okay" for a while and now he's not.
 
 
He has started sleeping 95% of the time.
He doesn't want to eat.
When he is awake, one minute he is coherent and then he drifts off and then the
next minute he is confused and lost. 
 
I am so effin' scared.  And sad.  And angry.
I cry ALL.THE.TIME
 
I tell him over and over and over and over and over and over
that I love him infinitely.
He says he loves me, too.
 
 
I can't stop touching his strong hands.
I want to hold onto them forever.
These hands took care of me.  Soothed me. 
Wiped my tears.  Comforted me. 
 
I want to make sure that he feels my touch as often as possible.
 
 
I don't ever want to let go.
Ever.
 


Friday, May 30, 2014

~ "The trouble is ...

... you think you have time."
~ Buddha
 
 
Just when things were looking up ....
plans were being made ....
we were dealt with a blow.
Tom's congestive heart failure has been diagnosed
as end-stage heart failure.
As Tom was in the ICU last week 
the doctor came in to "talk".
I was standing up against a wall as if to brace myself from what might be said.
The doctor said ...."wha wha wha wha wha.....could be 9 months or 6 months
or 3 months.   Your heart is weakening.  Wha wha wha wha wha. 
We've run out of options....wha wha wha."
I stood there .... holding up the wall ....looking at the doctor and then at Tom.
I was standing there yet I had an out of body experience.
I watched myself run around the room ...
screaming ... crying ... demanding that the doctor "shut-up".
I felt a huge .... HUGE .... lump in my throat that hurt so dang much I thought I would choke.
When the doctor left, Tom looked at me and calmly said
"You need to keep me home.  I don't want to die in a hospital."
That's where we're at.
Congestive heart failure is taking over.
 
Interesting  ... my word for 2014 is
CHALLENGE.
 
I'm not ready for this one!
 
My living room has become a hospital room
complete with hospital bed and walker.
He has a PICC line which distributes Dobutemine directly to his system.
I change it every 24 hours.
I am a caregiver.
And I am scared. 
 
 
 
"I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away your pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away."
 
 
 
 


Sunday, April 27, 2014

~ Absence ...

... makes the heart grow fonder.
Does it?
I've been absent for such a long time (it seems) ... has anyone missed me?
Wait ... don't answer that! 
So much has been going on ... where do I start?
 
Mother Nature is taking her sweet time sprinkling Spring around here.
We had about 3 days of almost summer-like weather and then ...
wham ... Winter came back. 
Cold ... brisk ... and all them other wintry adjectives!
So, I had to go out and buy me a bouquet of Spring.
 
 
 
I wish they could have lasted forever!!!!
But, like Spring, they didn't.
 
Hey!  Big, big, big news.
We bought a condo.  In New Hampshire.
It is totally gutted so we can put our own spin on renovating it.
Exciting and frightening at the same time.
So, we've been pretty busy with the closing and trying to organize
making appointments to hire
electricians, plumbers, general contractors ....
yikes!
And a lot of this will be done long distance.
And I've got this house to de-clutter and get ready to sell.
OMG!!!!
I'm exhausted just thinking about it.
But you'll all be going through it with me as I believe it will be a great subject
to post about.
 
Other big news.
I did it!
I got up the nerve!
I had approximately 22 inches of my hair cut off.
It is now shoulder length.
I have donated the cut tresses to "Locks For Love".
It was time.
 
On a sad note, I just discovered that "A Rural Journal" is no longer.
I so enjoyed Nancy's blog and I will miss her humor and her stories.
Best wishes Nancy!
 
 
Now ... I'm off to make me a cup of
mocha cappuccino and catch up with all of your blogs!
 
 


Friday, March 21, 2014

~ Daffy ...

... dils!
It's Spring! 
Let's play over at Nancy's ....
Yup!  It's Random 5 Friday.
 
1.  I usually am not a fan of daffodils.
But when I saw these in the market, I just couldn't resist.
I'm glad I bought them.
 
2.  Yesterday was the first day of Spring.
It was colder than a witch's you-know-what.
By Saturday they are saying it will be almost 60*.
But then the temps will drop again by Monday into the low 30's
and there may even be some .... gasp .... snow showers!
Oy!
 
3.  My fear is that we will go directly from Winter right into Summer.
From 30/40 degree weather right into 70/80 degree weather.
It has happened.
I want to experience Spring.
Its smells ... its colors ... its freshness.
I want to watch the flowers pop up from the soil.
I want to feel Spring's warm breeze.
 
4.  I've decided that this year I WILL plant a vegetable garden.
Tomatoes, lettuce, cucumbers.
Maybe some peppers.
Maybe some green beans.
I missed my garden last year.
I can't tell you how wonderful it is to go outside
and pick our salad right from the soil.
 
5.  Now that Spring has arrived
I will start searching for garage sales
and flea markets.
Gosh!  I missed doing that!
Why I want to find more "junk" when I am trying to downsize
is beyond me.
I can't help myself.
I use the excuse that my finds are "photo props" (wink-wink).
 
There you have it!
Randomness.
 
Oh.....Gumby wanted to make an apPEARance.
(ba-rum-pum!)
Sorry.....he made me say it!
 
Now get out there and spring around!

Friday, March 14, 2014

~ Ch Ch Ch ...

... Chia.
Chia Seeds that is.
No, not the kind that you smear all over yourself and watch grass grow
but the healthy kind.
 
1.  My gal Kelly started talking about eating healthy a few posts back.
She gave me "food for thought".
I agree with her comment that healthy eating is a chosen lifestyle.
I strive to eat healthy but sometimes ya just gotta have a big ole salty chip
or a large bowl of ice cream.
I looked into the gluten-free lifestyle
but I found most products to be tasteless
and producing my own gluten-free goodies
involved me going to the bank and making a large
withdrawal of funds to purchase what is necessary for the recipe.
So, I just watch ... most of the time ... what I eat
and I am careful about my portions.
 
2.  I cut back ... way back ... on my salt and sugar intake.
I did notice much less bloating
and to be quite honest
now when I eat something that has too much salt
I just about gag.
 
3.  What about these chia seeds, you ask!
I discovered these about a year ago.
These tiny little seeds are packed with Omega-3 fatty acids.
A serving of chia seeds has 18% of the recommended
daily intake of calcium.
Chia seeds are a great source of protein.
Tryptophan is also found in chia seeds which helps regulate
appetite, sleep and improve mood.
4.  In a nutshell ...
2 tablespoons of chia seeds a day can ...
~ help you lose weight without starving
~ balance your blood sugar
~ help prevent diverticulitis
~ add healthy omega-3 to your diet
~ help you feel energized all day
~ add age-defying anti-oxidants
~ cut cravings for food
~ add more fiber to your diet
 
5.  You can sprinkle these seeds on just about anything.
I really like to put them on/in my yogurt.
In the summer I love putting them in my smoothies.
And you don't need to take the 2 tablespoons at one time.
I stretch it out throughout the day.
 
You should consider giving them a try.
 
 
Run over to Nancy's and add your Random 5!

Oh!  And Gumby wanted to stop by to say "Hello".
He thinks he found a "pet" in one of my husband's chess pieces!
 
 
 

Friday, February 28, 2014

~ Goodbye ...

... to February!
 
1.  Can you believe that this is the last day of February?
Wow ... wow ... wow!
It has been a very long month.
Snowy ... frigid ... challenging ... exhausting ...
I, for one, am happy to bid it Au Revoir.
I am hoping that March will be milder ... warmer ... calmer.
But they are predicting that we will be crapped on blessed
by another snow storm on Sunday night through Monday
with accumulations of possibly 6+ inches.
Mother Nature, bite me!
 
2.  My Christmas Cactus must have sensed that I needed something to make me smile
since it decided to bloom ... again!
It was a happy sight.
 
3.  I finally organized ... somewhat ... my craft closet.
I can't tell you how great that made me feel.
Now I know and can see where things are ...
all packed in their assigned clear bins.
I felt like beating my chest and doing the Tarzan shout.
Now, if only I could find/make the time to do something
with all of my craft paraphernalia.
 
4.  I am so proud of my dear friend Kelly
for opening her Etsy shop.
Woot-woot girlfriend!!!
Please check out her post here which will lead you to her Etsy shop.
 
5.  Again, I want to apologize to all of you who have visited
me these past few weeks and I've neglected to
visit you.
The fog from last week is finally lifting and I promise....
PROMISE...
that I will get back into my routine of visiting and commenting.
I appreciate your understanding and your blog love.
Thank you!
 
Join the fun over at Nancy's


Now .... I'm going to sit and take in the beauty of this plant!
 
 


Friday, February 21, 2014

~ Exhausted ...

... and a little cwanky.
Dazed and confused.
But determined to play along with Nancy and Random 5 Friday.

It has been quite a week.  Long week. 
A "never-want-to-repeat" week.
I haven't had time to visit your blogs yet and/or reply to
all of you who have visited my blog and left lovely comments.
I apologize.
 
1.  Tom went into the hospital on Monday.
His cardiologist wanted to run tests and have other specialists take a look at him.
So up to Floor 10/Cardiology Unit we went.
2.   Get off the elevator and take a left to Center 10.
On Monday he saw his cardiologist and he informed us that the following day
he'd be seen by a multitude of doctors to try to get to the bottom
of why he is feeling so crappy.
Maybe change his meds up.  Take him off some.  Put him on others.
Call me crazy but I find it difficult to leave Tom in the hospital.
But we arrived at the hospital at 7:00 a.m. and it's 7:30 p.m.
and we're both exhausted.
So I leave.
Crying as I'm headed to the elevators.
 
3.  But I'm back there at 7:30 a.m. on Tuesday morning and
on Wednesday morning and Thursday ... and yes, today ... Friday!
Tom is seen by every specialist possible.
He's given every test possible.
Now, we already know he has congestive heart failure and renal failure.
Congestive heart failure re-confirmed with a new find ... he has two leaky valves.
Renal failure re-confirmed ... prognosis is that dialysis will most likely be
part of his life in 3 to 5 years (if not sooner).
Lungs tested ... COPD and emphysema.
And nodule(s) found on his lungs.
Inhaler recommended.  A second CAT scan in 3 months
to check the nodule(s) on his lungs.
He's not happy.
 
4.  He's tired because he's not sleeping because the beds are so freakin' uncomfortable.
He's hungry because the food is ... well ... awful.
He wants to go home but they want to do more tests.
And they do.
The Electro-Cardiologist is recommending a new, super-duper
defibrillator/pacemaker.
The one he has now has the heart's upper and lower chambers
beating at separate times which just makes him exhausted
because the heart's chambers are ... well ... fighting each other.
This new device would have a new wire leading to a separate section
of his heart and it would have the heart's chambers
pumping at the same time.
 
5.  I get there on Wednesday morning and he is spitting fire.
He didn't get a wink of sleep even though he was given a sleep aid.
He can't eat anything because they want to take more tests.
He's barking and howling and I'm trying my best to calm him down.
He isn't being a very good patient.
I feel awful.
Mid-afternoon it is decided that the defibrillator/pacemaker
will be replaced on Thursday.
Nothing to eat after midnight.
And he's starving because he isn't eating much.
 
To make a long story short .... Thursday comes ... no food ... no drink ... because of the procedure.
We wait.  And wait.  And wait.  And wait.
The nurse comes in at 3:00 p.m. and tells us that his procedure has been
CANCELLED.
The anesthesiologist says that Tom's sodium levels are too low.
Tom is not happy and tells everyone that he WILL be
discharged on Friday.
He exploded and rightly so.
 
So, I picked him up today and got him out of that joint!
The procedure will be scheduled for a later time.
He will sleep like a baby tonight in his own bed.
He will eat some good food.
 
Now, if only I could find a magic wand that would make him all better.
 

Friday, February 14, 2014

~ Dang it ...

... is it Friday already? 
I wasn't prepared for this.
So, I'm going to have to fly by the seat of my pants here and indulge in
.... drum roll please ....
 
Oh.  And Gumby Friday (snort!)
 
1.  For the love of all creatures ... big and small ...
Punxsutawney Phil
and Connecticut's own Chuckles
are mere rodents.
They both predicted 6 more weeks of winter.
We got "blessed" with 11 inches of snow yesterday and are expecting
another 1 to 6 inches tomorrow.
Sure...sure.  It looks pretty.
It almost hypnotizes you as you watch all of the little flakes
fall from the sky.
But I'm here to tell you that it sucks!
Especially when you (me) has to shovel it and/or drag the dang snow blower out.
I'm done with winter.
With that said ....
 
2.  Who's up to trying some groundhog stew?
Mmmmm....mmmm.
Lots of protein.
Punx Phil, I'm talking to you.
 
3.  Gumby wanted to go outside to play.
But Miss Procrastination (yup, she's still around)
hasn't knitted him a scarf yet.
So, we decided to watch the snow fall together.
From inside.  Where it's warm.
It was nice for a while but looking out at all of that white stuff
started to give us a headache.
Not to mention how irritating the sound of the plow trucks were.
Don't get me wrong ... they're just doing their job.
But still ... they are my enemy!
 
4.  Gumby insisted on standing by the window for a pose.
He was amazed at how much snow was out there and how cold it looked.
He was grateful that I insisted that we stay inside.
We had new windows put in a few years ago.
Best thing ever!
They're the type that you just pull in to clean.
I'm telling you, I've got the cleanest dang windows in the neighborhood!
It's a pleasure (well, almost) to clean them.
 
5.  Gumby has been trying to get me to try Nutella.
"Nuh-uh" was my response.
Finally, I gave in.  Bought some.
Gumby was so happy.
He couldn't wait to dig in.
I tried it, too.
And you know what?  Dang if it isn't bad!
It's rather tasty! 
What have I been missing?
As you can see....Gumby loves it.  Loves it!
Made a little piglet of himself ... yes, he did!
Which led to giving him a bath.
And then a nap.
 
So....there ya have it.  My randomness and my Gumby-ness!
 
Gotta go!  Gonna get me some Nutella!
 
 


Friday, February 7, 2014

~ Procrastination ...

 
1.  Procrastinate 
verb
to be slow or late about doing something that should be done
to delay doing something until a later time
 
2.  That's me.  Miss Procrastination.
I do it ALL.THE.TIME.
I cannot figure it out.
It's not like I don't want to do the things I need/want/should do.
Like my craft projects.  I WANT to craft.
In fact, the other day I organized all the craft paraphernalia that I had thrown
into a large bin and I patiently sorted through it all and
put all my jewelry stash in one smaller bin ...
all my charm bottles in another bin ...
all my charms in another bin ...
well, you get the picture.
So you'd think that I would just pick a project and jump right in, right?
Nah-uh!
Miss Procrastination.
 
3.  I love browsing here Antique Farmhouse D├ęcor.
See that file box ... lovely, huh?
I did my hem and haw ... haw and hem.
I put it in my cart. 
I took it out of my cart.
I did more of the hem and haw.
Haw and hem.
I put it back in my cart and smugly thought "I'll get back to it later."
Miss Procrastination.
 
4.  Later came .... went to check out.
It was SOLD OUT!
What???  What???  What???
Geez Louise!!!!
How could that have happened in just a few hours?
Miss Procrastination.
 
5.  I found some quotes on procrastinating and I'd like to share some with you.
 
The best way to get something done is to begin
 
Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday.
 
Procrastination is the thief of time.
 
and one that made me laugh out loud ...
 
Procrastination is like masturbation ...
in the end you're just screwing yourself.
 
 
It snowed on Monday and again on Wednesday.
Dang!  I am getting weary of snow blowing and shoveling.
They are predicting more snow for Sunday and Thursday.
(Shaking My Head)
But I do enjoy taking some shots of snow.
Here are a few that I took this week.
 
 
 
 
 
So there ya have it.
Winter in my backyard.
 
Now, I've got to go to the market and hit the craft store.
Or maybe hit the craft store and go to the market tomorrow.
Or maybe go to the market and hit the craft store tonight.
Or maybe ...
Miss Procrastination!