Friday, May 30, 2014

~ "The trouble is ...

... you think you have time."
~ Buddha
Just when things were looking up ....
plans were being made ....
we were dealt with a blow.
Tom's congestive heart failure has been diagnosed
as end-stage heart failure.
As Tom was in the ICU last week 
the doctor came in to "talk".
I was standing up against a wall as if to brace myself from what might be said.
The doctor said ...."wha wha wha wha wha.....could be 9 months or 6 months
or 3 months.   Your heart is weakening.  Wha wha wha wha wha. 
We've run out of options....wha wha wha."
I stood there .... holding up the wall ....looking at the doctor and then at Tom.
I was standing there yet I had an out of body experience.
I watched myself run around the room ...
screaming ... crying ... demanding that the doctor "shut-up".
I felt a huge .... HUGE .... lump in my throat that hurt so dang much I thought I would choke.
When the doctor left, Tom looked at me and calmly said
"You need to keep me home.  I don't want to die in a hospital."
That's where we're at.
Congestive heart failure is taking over.
Interesting  ... my word for 2014 is
I'm not ready for this one!
My living room has become a hospital room
complete with hospital bed and walker.
He has a PICC line which distributes Dobutemine directly to his system.
I change it every 24 hours.
I am a caregiver.
And I am scared. 
"I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away your pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away."