I have been in a funk for the longest time.
I really lost interest in a lot of things.
I stopped picking up my camera.
I stopped taking my daily walks.
I stopped listening to music.
I'm not one to wear my heart on my sleeve.
So this post is difficult for me.
But I'm hoping that by "letting it out",
I'll find the strength to "shrug and send it on its way".
I really think that I
1. have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).
I used to think "what a strange thing" but .... seems like in the late Fall
I start to get "down in the dumps". I'm not sure if it's the early darkness
or the thought of snow storms getting me all knotted up.
But I think I may have SAD and that .... well .... makes me sad.
2. have Caregiver Depression.
I always thought that when you love someone ...
no matter what happens to them ...
you take care of them.
No complaints. No doubts. You just do.
I do believe that still.
But experiencing it is more difficult than I expected.
My husband is chronically ill.
He has congestive heart failure, an enlarged heart, atrial fibrillation, vascular disease,
liver issues, failing kidneys, mild diabetes, spinal stenosis, herniated disc,
neuropathic leg pain, extremely low blood pressure, gout .....
let's see .... what have I missed?
He is on his 4th ICD (Implantable Cardioverter Defibrillator/Pacemaker).
Don't get me wrong.....he is not on his death bed.
But every day is a struggle.
I watch this 62 year old young man attempt to walk across the room
and can't .... so he has to stop midway and sit down to catch his breath.
This is a man who always ... always ... had a spring in his step.
I follow him up the stairs as he takes one step at a time and grabs the
handrail to literally pull himself up.
I see the pain in his eyes everyday.
Medically, I cannot help him.
Medically, the doctors have admitted that they really have done
everything possible....there are no new meds out there.....no new procedures.
It is what it is.
Yet, he is 99% of the time in a decent mood.
Occasionally he'll express his disappointment in how this has changed things.
All of our "retirement" dreams .... pretty much down the drain.
But he wakes up cheerful.
Sometimes I'll watch him while he's at his computer ... or watching tv ...
and it just breaks my heart ... to pieces ...
In my heart's mind he is still that 19 year old
who swept me off my feet ...
who took my breath away ...
who gave me butterflies when he kissed me.
I think I'm taking all of this harder than he is.
Sometimes I get tired.
Sometimes.....I admit.....I get angry.
At the situation.
But mostly at myself.
And he remains cheerful.
He tells me every morning, when he opens his eyes
and sees that he is still here,
he says it is a blessing.
I need to learn a lesson from this man.
"For every day that I may live
I'll keep a smile upon my face
because you put it there for me.
And should misfortune come along
I'll shrug and send it on its way
and count the blessings of the day, my love."
~ Rod McKuen