Tuesday, June 18, 2013

~ Blessings of the Day ...

 
 
 
 
I have been in a funk for the longest time.
I really lost interest in a lot of things.
I stopped picking up my camera.
I stopped taking my daily walks.
I stopped listening to music.
I'm not one to wear my heart on my sleeve.
So this post is difficult for me.
But I'm hoping that by "letting it out",
I'll find the strength to "shrug and send it on its way".
 
I really think that I
1.  have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).
I used to think "what a strange thing" but .... seems like in the late Fall
I start to get "down in the dumps".   I'm not sure if it's the early darkness
or the thought of snow storms getting me all knotted up.
But I think I may have SAD and that .... well .... makes me sad.
2.  have Caregiver Depression.
I always thought that when you love someone ...
no matter what happens to them ...
you take care of them. 
No complaints.  No doubts.  You just do.
I do believe that still.
But experiencing it is more difficult than I expected.
 
My husband is chronically ill.
He has congestive heart failure, an enlarged heart, atrial fibrillation, vascular disease,
liver issues, failing kidneys, mild diabetes, spinal stenosis, herniated disc,
neuropathic leg pain, extremely low blood pressure, gout .....
let's see .... what have I missed?
He is on his 4th ICD (Implantable Cardioverter Defibrillator/Pacemaker).
Don't get me wrong.....he is not on his death bed.
But every day is a struggle.
I watch this 62 year old young man attempt to walk across the room
and can't .... so he has to stop midway and sit down to catch his breath.
This is a man who always ... always ... had a spring in his step.
I follow him up the stairs as he takes one step at a time and grabs the
handrail to literally pull himself up.
I see the pain in his eyes everyday.
Medically, I cannot help him.  
Medically, the doctors have admitted that they really have done
everything possible....there are no new meds out there.....no new procedures.
It is what it is.
Yet, he is 99% of the time in a decent mood.
I'm not.
Occasionally he'll express his disappointment in how this has changed things.
All of our "retirement" dreams .... pretty much down the drain.
But he wakes up cheerful.
Sometimes I'll watch him while he's at his computer ... or watching tv ...
and it just breaks my heart ... to pieces ...
In my heart's mind he is still that 19 year old
who swept me off my feet ...
who took my breath away ...
who gave me butterflies when he kissed me.
 
I think I'm taking all of this harder than he is.
Sometimes I get tired.
Sometimes.....I admit.....I get angry.
At him.
At myself.
At the situation.
But mostly at myself.
 
And he remains cheerful.
He tells me every morning, when he opens his eyes
and sees that he is still here,
he says it is a blessing.
 
I need to learn a lesson from this man.
 
 
"For every day that I may live
I'll keep a smile upon my face
because you put it there for me.
And should misfortune come along
I'll shrug and send it on its way
and count the blessings of the day, my love."
~ Rod McKuen
 





18 comments:

  1. AnonymousJune 18, 2013

    Diane, I just "happened by" your blog through another blog called My Happy Place. I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I have some experience with this, if you'd like to talk. My name is Valerie. You can email me at vmjgold@aol.com. Sometimes you just need someone to listen and bounce things off of. I know I do. I'm a good listener. Valerie

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  2. Oh D-bless your heart. I really do hope you find way through this. This is a beautiful start. I'm here if you need me-xoxox

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  3. Can I just say-I am SO loving the facelift!!!!

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  4. I am so glad to see you posting again and am sorry your absence has been the result of depression and exhaustion. Push for home therapy - too often it is something doctors seem to side step. When I was caring for my mother in her final year I decided it was okay to ask the doctor for help. I loved mom and wanted nothing more than to give love and care back to the woman who not only gave me life but so strongly influenced it. That little bit of help was a miracle to my psyche. Recognizing that you are more than just a little blue is the first step to getting help to improve your situation. Never be ashamed for wanting something good for yourself. When you are in a good place it in turn helps others around you.

    {hugs}

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  5. Diane,
    Thank you for stopping by and leaving your comments on my blog post today. I admit that I needed to find you again here and read your blog post, and I'm so glad I did.
    I want to encourage you to share more of your thoughts here, no matter the numbers game in the blogosphere. This is your space and you can make it what you want. If it helps you in this daily struggle as a care giver, then so be it. Write to your heart's content!
    Peace be with you...

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  6. I am so sorry for your situation, I cannot imagine how challenging this is. I hope you are able to take time to nurture yourself, and that you continue to share and find support here!

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  7. So sorry to hear this I can't even imagine. Although I've watched my mom with my stepdad this past year. She to would get upset with him he had Alzheimer's. So he would repeat a lot of stuff I guess when you live with it day in and day out it is upsetting. Hang in there hugs

    Saun
    Oh the font I'm using is Calligraffitti

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  8. Thank you so much for visiting my blog and for your nice comment. I'm sorry to read about your husband's failing health and the struggle you are both facing. Keep writing and keep taking beautiful photographs, it's great therapy.

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  9. Sounds really tough. Hope that writing it down helped.

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  10. Bless your heart -- you do have alot on your plate. We can all learn a lesson from your husband. What a great approach to life.

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  11. So sorry to read this, Diane, I can feel your pain through your words !
    Thinking of you and your husband in this difficult time ...
    Sylvia

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  12. Oh sweetie, I hope that by writing this and recognizing your feelings that it helps you to release some of those feelings you have bottled up inside. I KNOW what you are going through, I truly do. My photography and blogging helped me immensely, so I am glad to see that you are back to doing these things that bring me pleasure. My prayers are with you and your husband. It's tough.

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  13. It's so nice to see you back. I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. That has to be so tough. I am hoping you find a way to find away to help you through these tough times. I know it can't be easy, but maybe writing it out will help and we are here to listen..

    Big Hugs my friend.

    I love your photos. I used to love to see your selfie shots. And thanks so much for stopping by my blog.

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  14. Hey ... U may not know who I am but one advice for you... I know no one can actually measure how much u are going thru.... But always remember God is always there.. Looking and taking care of everything... Sometimes god puts us in a situation where he want us to become strong... Think you are lucky to have someone wh loves u so much.... So many people don't have that opportunity.... And one more thing.... One life to live... Live it to the fullest. Will pray for u... Don't worry... Have trust in God.

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  15. Oh, sweet blessings to you and your refreshing honesty. My, Carmen's, husband is 60 and seems to be 25. We do not take health for granted, rather pursue it the best we can. It is I who may have a more serious issue that will be puzzled out within the next few weeks. You can do all you can to do the right things...and...nothing....is guaranteed. Arghhhh. I absolutely love your blog, and just now coming across it, hope you will not leave it, as it speaks so much authenticity...such a lacking in this world these days ~
    Carmen

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  16. Oh I have so wondered what was going on that you disappeared from blogging. I am so sorry your husband's health is one of those reasons. I think that caregivers of chronically ill loved ones are the forgotten heroes. I've seen it in my own family with my mom caring for my dad. It's tiring, it's stressful, it's maddening, it's hate-filled at times. We do what we have to do , but that doesn't mean it doesn't take a toll on us. Please make sure to take care of YOURSELF too. YOU need it, and your HUSBAND needs it. I am so glad you are back blogging...I think you will find it an outlet for yourself. Blogging is the MAIN thing that kept me "semi" sane during my dad's Alzheimers battle. It's good to have a place to vent. Use it!

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  17. I'm sorry to read of your husband's health struggles, Diane, but so happy that he has you & you him. Your voice is so very lovely and your photography equally breathtaking. Funny how our lives can be such a mix of the profoundly painful and beautiful. My husband has some serious health issues as well, and I am always working on transcending chronic depression. I do find that sharing with others makes the most enormous difference (and reading what other people have shared does too!) Thank You so much for sharing your loveliness, and should you ever need them there are some hugs coming your way from a 'stranger' in Port Moody BC ( "Port Moody" sounds like a joke given the theme of my comment, but that really is where I live) heehee :)

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