Friday, May 30, 2014

~ "The trouble is ...

... you think you have time."
~ Buddha
Just when things were looking up ....
plans were being made ....
we were dealt with a blow.
Tom's congestive heart failure has been diagnosed
as end-stage heart failure.
As Tom was in the ICU last week 
the doctor came in to "talk".
I was standing up against a wall as if to brace myself from what might be said.
The doctor said ...."wha wha wha wha wha.....could be 9 months or 6 months
or 3 months.   Your heart is weakening.  Wha wha wha wha wha. 
We've run out of options....wha wha wha."
I stood there .... holding up the wall ....looking at the doctor and then at Tom.
I was standing there yet I had an out of body experience.
I watched myself run around the room ...
screaming ... crying ... demanding that the doctor "shut-up".
I felt a huge .... HUGE .... lump in my throat that hurt so dang much I thought I would choke.
When the doctor left, Tom looked at me and calmly said
"You need to keep me home.  I don't want to die in a hospital."
That's where we're at.
Congestive heart failure is taking over.
Interesting  ... my word for 2014 is
I'm not ready for this one!
My living room has become a hospital room
complete with hospital bed and walker.
He has a PICC line which distributes Dobutemine directly to his system.
I change it every 24 hours.
I am a caregiver.
And I am scared. 
"I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away your pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away."


  1. My tears, my prayers, my hugs can not be enough for you right now or over the course of this time. I could go on about how I've been through this with two parents and to some degree with my own husband - but none of that matters. Right now my wish is to give you strength, support, and words of encouragement to cry, be mad, and be strong. You have more strength than you realize and a voice - make sure you insist on all that is available be made available for your husband's comfort and strength through this illness. Home health. Respiratory therapy. Hospice. My thoughts, my prayers, my hugs go out for you and your family.

  2. Sadness grips my heart. I only have hugs, lots of hugs and prayers. Wish they were real hugs. B

  3. Thank you dear for taking the time to visit me, sometimes we find comfort during sad times when we make ourselves busy with life.

    Prayer to you and yours
    See you soon..


  4. I am so, so sorry! Words fail me. I can't even imagine. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. Thank you for visiting my blog. I would love to have your address if you don't mind. You can email it to me if that is okay.

  5. Oh I don't know what to say other then I am so sorry and also that I'll be praying for you. This certainly isn't anything one wants to deal with but I guess it's also part of life. Just know you are in God's hands as is Tom. Hugs.

  6. My dearest D-when it is said a photo speaks a 1000 words-this speaks volumes. As Nicki said-you have a voice and be sure you get everything you need for Tom's comfort and your sanity. Being a caregiver to a loved one is the ultimate test of Love and faith in one's self. I'm always here for you sis and I'm just so saddened for you and your family. Be brave and know you are surrounded with so much love and support- keeping you in thoughts and prayers. Xoxo through the universe.

  7. I'm at a loss for words. All I can think to say, is to relay what my sister told me when she was experiencing her two year old fight leukemia... " you have no idea what you are capable of, until you have no choice". My prayers are with you. I hope you feel their strength.

  8. I'm so sorry to hear about Tom's report. My thoughts and prayers are with you both. Thanks for visiting my blog and leaving a nice comment. Hugs, Cheryl

  9. I am so so sorry. I can't imagine what you are going through. My thoughts and prayers go out to you my friend..

    Sending Big Hugs your way..

  10. Oh, I can't begin to convey what I'm thinking as I type...this is so heart breaking, yet still comforting that he wanted to be home for his time left. Both my parents wished the same, and I'm more than pleased now that their time is not of this earth, that I too was a caregiver, scared...waiting, loving, crying, ---you know it all by now. Having him home and you by his side means the world to him. And you will be thankful for the days spent with him AT HOME in comfort.

  11. Even if words cannot express what you must be going throught at the moment, you have painted a vivid picture of shocking news, that has turned the life as one knows it up til now, upside down ...
    Yet, it is in these moments, where we sometimes experience the strength yet unknown, lasting from one moment to another ... enough to get by. I'm praying for Tom and for you ...

  12. oh, my goodness. such a heartwrenching post. an extremely difficult point in time for both of you. may God bless you with all that is possible.

  13. I'm so sorry to hear such terrible news, My prayers go out to you and your hubby during this difficult time. God Bless
    Hugs Lynn

  14. There are no proper words right now. Just know that you are in my thoughts.

  15. Praying for you and your husband...

  16. Oh Diane, here's a great BIG hug to keep you strong! Know that you are not alone. Sending you and Tom my Aloha Spirit to surround you with much love. Allow peace to overcome you both, and enjoy this time together. Aloha

  17. Hi Diane,
    I just came by to tell that you & Tom have been in my mind this last week ... Lot's of love, Nina

  18. Stay strong dear Diane, I know this is a rough, rough journey you are on, God bless you and know that many are praying for you and your husband.

  19. Diane..I have missed posts..they have not been sent to me..I figured you were busy moving..
    I am so sorry for you..thinking of you as I read this.
    Your mind must be in a million places and so sad.
    Keep each other warm in love.

  20. Oh, Diane, your words hit me in the pit of my stomach. I am soooo sorry. If I lived next door I'd be over in a second with a casserole, a hug, a huge shoulder, and a mighty prayer asking for comfort and peace. Please email me at and I'll respond with a personal email and cell phone #. You can call me any time, day or night.

  21. Me too I wish you lived next door :(


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