Thursday, August 14, 2014

~ It Has Been ....

... a little over a month.
33 days to be exact.
792 hours,
47,520 minutes,
2,851,200 seconds
of excruciating pain.
Of devastating loneliness.
Of feeling lost in a fog of disbelief.
I can go for hours at a time without crying.
That's if I keep myself so busy that I don't have time to think.
About anything.
And then .... wham .... out of nowhere something just knocks the wind right out of me.
And I cry uncontrollably.
I cry from so deep within that my body shakes with each tear.
Lately, these are some of the things that make me cry.
Places he sat on .... in .... by .... during his last weeks.
His walker sits by the bed ... waiting for him to get up and attempt to get around.
I see it there and it makes me cry.
He fought so hard to not get to this point ...
but he accepted it like a gentleman when he realized it was a necessity. 
And that makes me cry. 
His office chair ... waiting for him to start his work day.
I walk past this room and step back and look in.
They came and took his office computer away.....another piece of him gone.
Sometimes at night when I can't sleep
I get up and sit in this chair in the dark
and I cry.
His chair at the table.
Waiting for him to arrive for a feast.
The last few weeks ... especially days ...
he wasn't doing very much eating.
But he'd sit there and watch and wait for me to eat.
And he'd tell me how good it looked.
How good it smelled.
But he just wasn't hungry.
And that makes me cry.
The chair in the sunroom.
It's funny how we hadn't used that room much in the last few years.
But in the last few weeks of his life
we used this room!!!
We'd get up and he'd sit there and read the paper.
Drink his Orange/Pineapple Juice.
Take his multitude of pills.
We'd talk about the condo and what was being done to it.
We'd talk about colors and furniture and countertops and tile.
I'd watch him fall asleep on this chair in the middle of conversations.
In the middle of phone conversations.
In the middle of texting someone.
Sleep was absorbing him more and more.
And then he couldn't come downstairs anymore to sit in this room with me.
And that makes me cry.
When I thought that he would be coming with me to New Hampshire and the condo
we couldn't wait to leave this house and get up there.
Now that he is gone
I am finding it very difficult to wrap my head around leaving here.
I am so dang emotional about leaving here.
He's everywhere.
Sometimes I swear I can smell him.
He's here.
Will I be abandoning him when I leave?
Will he know to come with me?
And that makes me cry.
My Throw Back Thursday shot:
I love you.
I will love you until I die.
And if there is life after that,
I will love you then.


  1. I can only imagine how hard it will be to leave your home, but the truth is you will not be leaving him behind. He will always be with you wherever you your heart and soul. And THAT is a blessing. At the moment I'm sure it's a very small blessing to you, but it will grow in importance with each passing day. You've been in my thoughts and prayers... And will continue to be.

  2. Oh I do know he is with you never worry about that he is with you no matter where you go. I remember you talking about how excited he was about the condo, it is going to be OK. Like Kathy McB says he is in your heart and soul and this will never change. This is beautifully written and tears are running down my cheek and I wish I had the words to ease your pain but I do not. HUGS lots of hugs. He IS with you. B

  3. Prayers for comfort! And yes, there is an afterlife and he will be waiting on you there. But for now, the way I see it is that you are keeping the dreams you and Tom had together. Don't feel bad about moving. His spirit will follow.

  4. Diane your words reveal the love you have for Tom ... regardless time or space, or distance or room or matter ... the love will bind you two together, and he will stay in your heart, no matter where you are. I cannot imagine the pain and sorrow you experience at the moment - your lines made me cry just reading them through for once ... The moments you two still shared together, Tom watching you eat, even if he was not hungry... you're a lucky woman having experienced of being loved in this way - and being able to love so much... You two having been for one another. Hugs & Prayers

  5. Diane, when my sister lost her husband to his battle with lung cancer, I drove down to FL to help her. Jim, like your Tom, took his meds, his chemo, his weakening and deteriorating physical self and wrapped his mind around it. The brain tumor was gone and now we, like you, watched him sit, rest, sleep, try to eat and still be "him." It is and was life debilitating to Jim and us, just as it was for you. The condo you talked about together in New Hampshire should be a tribute to him. You will make it happen. Please be strong...:)JP

  6. I'm so sorry you are hurting. I know nothing that I can say can make it better. Just take one day at a time.

  7. It's hard to know what words to say to comfort you. Just know that you are in my prayers and I know that as hard as it is, things will get better. Now, there is nothing wrong with taking time to mourn. The dear Lord will comfort you and continue to help you get through this difficult time!

  8. Diane when I read your blogs my heart breaks for you. I hope you can find comfort knowing how many people are thinking of you. You will be with Tommy again, hold on to that truth. He will always love you and your love had gotten him through all the hard times. I think he wants you to be happy. Death doesn't change that. Grieve now and than you can celebrate his life and all the joy he gave. Love you kiddo...keep talking, keep letting your grief out.

  9. My heart breaks for you too.
    I hang on so many of your words..and know them to be so spot on.
    I am thinking about you.
    Take care Diane.

    What a sweet face:)

  10. Tom is around you and that is so good you can sense him. He is giving you hugs at your lonely times. Embrace that. Time will help but for now you need to grieve and miss him and cry. Hugs.

  11. Oh, my! Hugs to you! I feel your pain!

  12. Diane, he will be with you wherever you go.
    Of that, I am sure.

  13. Diane-never fear of leaving Tom behind-you two are bound together for eternity by something much stronger than anything physical. Your love for each other exudes off your words and you are keeping Tom very much alive as you push through your days and weeks and get closer to your dream of owning this condo. He's with you every step of the way D-{{hugs}} through the universe sis.

  14. Diane, I am late checking in, just catching up on what's been going on. I AM SO SORRY to hear of Tom's passing. Words are stupid, but they're all I can share at the moment. Take care of yourself, let others love you and lift you up, remember the precious moments together, drink some tea, remember that God can bring peace and comfort in unbelievable ways, and keep getting up in the morning. I shall be praying for the huge hole in your heart to heal! Many, many (virtual) hugs - Nancy


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