~Today ....

... at 5:20 PM

I lost my best friend.

My partner in crime.

The love of my life.

My heart.

My soul.

My existence.

 

I will never gaze into this sweet man's eyes again.

I will never see his contagious smile.

I will never hear his deep wonderful voice.

I will never hear him call me "Chick-a-dee" or "Jack" again.

 

His health had been declining so quickly the last couple of months.

We were hoping for a second boost of energy,

enough to get him to New Hampshire and in the condo.

He fought a hard fight all the way to the end.

I finally told him it was okay to "let go". 

And he did so in my arms as I stroked his face and his hair.

 

It's interesting because a few weeks before this

I had a specific song in my head every single night before we'd fall asleep.

I'd sing it to him in my head as I listened to him breathe

and fall asleep.

 

I Don't Want To Miss A Thing 

 

"I could stay awake just to hear you breathing

Watch you smile while you are sleeping

While you're far away and dreaming

I could spend my life in this sweet surrender

I could stay lost in this moment forever

Where every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

 

I don't wanna close my eyes

I don't wanna fall asleep

Cause I'd miss you baby and I don't wanna miss a thing

Cause even when I dream of you

The sweetest dream would never do

I'd still miss you baby and I don't want to miss a thing.

 

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating

And I'm wondering what you're dreaming

Wondering if it's me you're seeing

Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together

I just wanna stay with you in this moment forever.

 

I don't wanna close my eyes.

I don't wanna fall asleep

Cause I'd miss you baby and I don't want to miss a thing

Cause even when I dream of you

The sweetest dream would never do

I'd still miss you baby

and I don't want to miss a thing

 

I don't want to miss one smile

I don't want to miss one kiss

I just wanna be with you

right here

with you

just like this.

 



Tom, I don't know how I will manage through the rest of my life without you.

You will always be in my heart and on my mind.

 

Please visit me in my dreams.

I want to see your face every night.

 

♥

 

~ Dear ...

.... life.

WTF?

You are pissing me off with everything that you are throwing at Tom.

 

Tom isn't doing very well.

He was doing "okay" for a while and now he's not.

 

 

He has started sleeping 95% of the time.

He doesn't want to eat.

When he is awake, one minute he is coherent and then he drifts off and then the

next minute he is confused and lost. 

 

I am so effin' scared.  And sad.  And angry.

I cry ALL.THE.TIME

 

I tell him over and over and over and over and over and over

that I love him infinitely.

He says he loves me, too.

 

 

I can't stop touching his strong hands.

I want to hold onto them forever.

These hands took care of me.  Soothed me. 

Wiped my tears.  Comforted me. 

 

I want to make sure that he feels my touch as often as possible.

 

 

I don't ever want to let go.

Ever.

 

♥



~ "The trouble is ...

... you think you have time."

~ Buddha

 

 

Just when things were looking up ....

plans were being made ....

we were dealt with a blow.

Tom's congestive heart failure has been diagnosed

as end-stage heart failure.

As Tom was in the ICU last week 

the doctor came in to "talk".

I was standing up against a wall as if to brace myself from what might be said.

The doctor said ...."wha wha wha wha wha.....could be 9 months or 6 months

or 3 months.   Your heart is weakening.  Wha wha wha wha wha. 

We've run out of options....wha wha wha."

I stood there .... holding up the wall ....looking at the doctor and then at Tom.

I was standing there yet I had an out of body experience.

I watched myself run around the room ...

screaming ... crying ... demanding that the doctor "shut-up".

I felt a huge .... HUGE .... lump in my throat that hurt so dang much I thought I would choke.

When the doctor left, Tom looked at me and calmly said

"You need to keep me home.  I don't want to die in a hospital."

That's where we're at.

Congestive heart failure is taking over.

 

Interesting  ... my word for 2014 is

CHALLENGE.

 

I'm not ready for this one!

 

My living room has become a hospital room

complete with hospital bed and walker.

He has a PICC line which distributes Dobutemine directly to his system.

I change it every 24 hours.

I am a caregiver.

And I am scared. 

 

 

 

"I can be your hero, baby.

I can kiss away your pain.

I will stand by you forever.

You can take my breath away."

 

♥

 

 

 



~ Absence ...

... makes the heart grow fonder.

Does it?

I've been absent for such a long time (it seems) ... has anyone missed me?

Wait ... don't answer that! 

So much has been going on ... where do I start?

 

Mother Nature is taking her sweet time sprinkling Spring around here.

We had about 3 days of almost summer-like weather and then ...

wham ... Winter came back. 

Cold ... brisk ... and all them other wintry adjectives!

So, I had to go out and buy me a bouquet of Spring.

 

 

 

I wish they could have lasted forever!!!!

But, like Spring, they didn't.

 

Hey!  Big, big, big news.

We bought a condo.  In New Hampshire.

It is totally gutted so we can put our own spin on renovating it.

Exciting and frightening at the same time.

So, we've been pretty busy with the closing and trying to organize

making appointments to hire

electricians, plumbers, general contractors ....

yikes!

And a lot of this will be done long distance.

And I've got this house to de-clutter and get ready to sell.

OMG!!!!

I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

But you'll all be going through it with me as I believe it will be a great subject

to post about.

 

Other big news.

I did it!

I got up the nerve!

I had approximately 22 inches of my hair cut off.

It is now shoulder length.

I have donated the cut tresses to "Locks For Love".

It was time.

 

On a sad note, I just discovered that "A Rural Journal" is no longer.

I so enjoyed Nancy's blog and I will miss her humor and her stories.

Best wishes Nancy!

 

 

Now ... I'm off to make me a cup of

mocha cappuccino and catch up with all of your blogs!

 

 



~ Daffy ...

... dils!
It's Spring! 

Let's play over at Nancy's ....

Yup!  It's Random 5 Friday.

 

1.  I usually am not a fan of daffodils.

But when I saw these in the market, I just couldn't resist.

I'm glad I bought them.

 

2.  Yesterday was the first day of Spring.

It was colder than a witch's you-know-what.

By Saturday they are saying it will be almost 60*.

But then the temps will drop again by Monday into the low 30's

and there may even be some .... gasp .... snow showers!

Oy!

 

3.  My fear is that we will go directly from Winter right into Summer.

From 30/40 degree weather right into 70/80 degree weather.

It has happened.

I want to experience Spring.

Its smells ... its colors ... its freshness.

I want to watch the flowers pop up from the soil.

I want to feel Spring's warm breeze.

 

4.  I've decided that this year I WILL plant a vegetable garden.

Tomatoes, lettuce, cucumbers.

Maybe some peppers.

Maybe some green beans.

I missed my garden last year.

I can't tell you how wonderful it is to go outside

and pick our salad right from the soil.

 

5.  Now that Spring has arrived

I will start searching for garage sales

and flea markets.

Gosh!  I missed doing that!

Why I want to find more "junk" when I am trying to downsize

is beyond me.

I can't help myself.

I use the excuse that my finds are "photo props" (wink-wink).

 

There you have it!

Randomness.

 

Oh.....Gumby wanted to make an apPEARance.

(ba-rum-pum!)

Sorry.....he made me say it!

 

Now get out there and spring around!

~ Ch Ch Ch ...

... Chia.

Chia Seeds that is.
No, not the kind that you smear all over yourself and watch grass grow
but the healthy kind.
 

1.  My gal Kelly started talking about eating healthy a few posts back.
She gave me "food for thought".

I agree with her comment that healthy eating is a chosen lifestyle.

I strive to eat healthy but sometimes ya just gotta have a big ole salty chip

or a large bowl of ice cream.

I looked into the gluten-free lifestyle

but I found most products to be tasteless

and producing my own gluten-free goodies

involved me going to the bank and making a large

withdrawal of funds to purchase what is necessary for the recipe.

So, I just watch ... most of the time ... what I eat

and I am careful about my portions.

 

2.  I cut back ... way back ... on my salt and sugar intake.

I did notice much less bloating

and to be quite honest

now when I eat something that has too much salt

I just about gag.

 

3.  What about these chia seeds, you ask!

I discovered these about a year ago.

These tiny little seeds are packed with Omega-3 fatty acids.

A serving of chia seeds has 18% of the recommended

daily intake of calcium.

Chia seeds are a great source of protein.

Tryptophan is also found in chia seeds which helps regulate

appetite, sleep and improve mood.

4.  In a nutshell ...

2 tablespoons of chia seeds a day can ...

~ help you lose weight without starving

~ balance your blood sugar

~ help prevent diverticulitis

~ add healthy omega-3 to your diet

~ help you feel energized all day

~ add age-defying anti-oxidants

~ cut cravings for food

~ add more fiber to your diet

 

5.  You can sprinkle these seeds on just about anything.

I really like to put them on/in my yogurt.
In the summer I love putting them in my smoothies.

And you don't need to take the 2 tablespoons at one time.

I stretch it out throughout the day.

 

You should consider giving them a try.

 

 

Run over to Nancy's and add your Random 5!

Oh!  And Gumby wanted to stop by to say "Hello".
He thinks he found a "pet" in one of my husband's chess pieces!

 

 

 

~ Goodbye ...

... to February!

 

1.  Can you believe that this is the last day of February?

Wow ... wow ... wow!

It has been a very long month.

Snowy ... frigid ... challenging ... exhausting ...

I, for one, am happy to bid it Au Revoir.

I am hoping that March will be milder ... warmer ... calmer.

But they are predicting that we will be crapped on blessed

by another snow storm on Sunday night through Monday

with accumulations of possibly 6+ inches.

Mother Nature, bite me!

 

2.  My Christmas Cactus must have sensed that I needed something to make me smile

since it decided to bloom ... again!

It was a happy sight.

 

3.  I finally organized ... somewhat ... my craft closet.

I can't tell you how great that made me feel.

Now I know and can see where things are ...

all packed in their assigned clear bins.

I felt like beating my chest and doing the Tarzan shout.

Now, if only I could find/make the time to do something

with all of my craft paraphernalia.

 

4.  I am so proud of my dear friend Kelly

for opening her Etsy shop.

Woot-woot girlfriend!!!

Please check out her post here which will lead you to her Etsy shop.

 

5.  Again, I want to apologize to all of you who have visited

me these past few weeks and I've neglected to

visit you.

The fog from last week is finally lifting and I promise....

PROMISE...

that I will get back into my routine of visiting and commenting.

I appreciate your understanding and your blog love.

Thank you!

 

Join the fun over at Nancy's


Now .... I'm going to sit and take in the beauty of this plant!